I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
