i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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