I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
