My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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