I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
