we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
