I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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