Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
