I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
