remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
