did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
