you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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