Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize