ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
