DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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