homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
