she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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