Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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