I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
