fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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