I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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