i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
