I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
