I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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