My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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