The best revenge is premature balding
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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