i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
