Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
