I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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