my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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