So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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