Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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