Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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