he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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