The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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