Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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