can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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