I hate your face
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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