I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
