I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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