im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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