Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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