i dont even know how to be here
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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