I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
