DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
