if i can run in heels then i can drive
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dignity is for republicans.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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