In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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