I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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