Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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