Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize