hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
