I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
