Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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