He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
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