You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
