I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's blow job season.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
