I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
